Future Headline: Biden, McConnell, and Feinstein given supreme nuclear authority

In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.

“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.

August 4, 2024: Biden, McConnell, and Feinstein given supreme nuclear authority

Over the past several months as Russian President Vladimir Putin has continued to ramp up his threats of nuclear strike against western adversaries, US lawmakers passed emergency legislation to counter the Russian threat.

The bill, passed with near unanimity by both the House and Senate, creates a brand new committee of three senior politicians who would have supreme authority to bypass Congress and declare war on Russia, as well as send in troops or initiate nuclear missile strikes.

The committee will also be given full nuclear launch codes, further bypassing the existing nuclear launch protocols that involve the National Military Command Center.

Henceforth America’s full nuclear arsenal will be controlled directly by three of the most senior members of the US government; Senator Mitch McConnell, Senator Dianne Feinstein, and President Biden himself were chosen to serve on the committee, known as the “Strategic Executives for Nuclear Intercontinental Launch Enhancement”, or “SENILE” for short.

With a combined 120+ years of service in the federal government, it is hard to imagine a more experienced group of lawmakers being entrusted with the SENILE responsibility.

In the event of any national threat, the three will be spirited away to one of several secure bunkers located in and around Washington DC.

Once there, only these three individuals will be allowed inside the launch room. All aides must remain outside to ensure Russian disinformation does not affect the SENILE decisions being made within the launch room.

It will be solely within the hands of President Biden, Senator McConnell, and Senator Feinstein to determine among themselves whether to launch nuclear missiles.

Each SENILE member issued a statement about the enormous responsibility which Congress has bestowed on them.

President Biden spoke from the Rose Garden this morning saying “It’s a lot like what my dad would tell me back in 1885, when we’d all go swimming with no lifeguard and I was the only kid in the neighborhood whose last name didn’t end in with an ‘O’, so, so, and he’d say ‘Joey, careful which pasta you choose’ and that’s why it’s important in America to… to… well anyway.”

Senator Feinstein at first claimed she was not chosen for the new triumvirate. However after an aide whispered something in her ear, she seemed to remember. “Of course, that triumvirate. I’ve been a member of it for 14 years. We’ve always made sound launch decisions before and…”

At this point the Senator trailed off, and turned to stare blankly at her aide, who was heard whispering, “Just say you are honored and will execute the duties with the heavy zeal you’ve brought to the Senate.”

Feinstein continued, “I’m honored to execute the Navy Seals who bought the Senate.”

Senator McConnell’s statement consisted of him simply staring into the camera.

However Senate aides later said this was meant to be a challenge to anyone who would threaten the United States.

“The Senator was imparting that he would stare down an attack on the United States with poise and stoicism.”

August 5, 2029: US Credit Rating Downgraded to Junk Status

In a widely expected move, both Fitch and Moody’s credit rating agencies downgraded US government Treasurys to junk status.

It was six years ago this week that Fitch first downgraded the US from AAA, its most pristine rating, to AA+, one notch below.

The government’s response to that downgrade back in 2023 was to downplay and trivialize Fitch’s move. Then Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen claimed in the summer of 2023 that Fitch’s “flawed assessment was based on outdated data” and that the downgrade was “entirely unwarranted.”

However, at the time, Fitch’s concerns were clearly legitimate.

The company cited the constant debt ceiling and budget showdowns, increasing inability for political parties to compromise for the good of the nation, increased polarization in US society, enormous public entitlement funding deficiencies, the gargantuan national debt (which at the time was only 120% of GDP), and multi-trillion dollar annual deficits.

Yet for the last six years, the US fiscal situation has deteriorated further.

Between the $9 trillion cost of the Covid-27 pandemic, and the ongoing $2 trillion annual cost of funding the war in Ukraine, the national debt has recently topped 200% of GDP.

And the Treasury Department expects to spend more than 60% of tax revenue just to pay interest on the debt this fiscal year.

The White House, however, continues to downplay the credit rating decisions.

President AOC claimed, “Fitch and Moody’s are both obviously rooted in white supremacy. We will not be intimidated by their toxic masculinity, nor will we stray from our fight for social and economic justice.”

Yields on the US 10-year Treasury note surged past 14% on the news, slightly ahead of last year’s 11% inflation rate.

Regardless of the economic implications, the White House said that it will forge ahead will plans to roll out Universal Basic Income, higher wealth taxes on the middle class, and criminal penalties against oil and gas companies.

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