Future Headline: Federal Reserve Announces Latest Rate Cut to Minus 4%

In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.

“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.

September 22, 2028: Federal Reserve Announces Latest Rate Cut to Minus 4%

On the heels of the labor department’s latest inflation report, which shows an annual rate of 4.99%, the Federal Reserve has announced at its latest policy meeting it is slashing rates down to minus 4%.

The most updated inflation target, of course, is now 5%, up from last year’s target of 4%, which is up from the 2026 target of 3%, and the previous longstanding target of 2%.

The Labor Department, for its part, has also changed the way it calculates inflation four times in the last three years. And its most recent methodology, which takes into account community adjusted equity in calculating inflation, puts the inflation rate just a hair below the Federal Reserve’s official target.

With the mission accomplished, the Fed can abandon its fight against inflation.

“Now that inflation is officially below our target rate,” Fed Chair Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said with a wink to the Labor Secretary, “We’re able to sound the all clear, and cut rates again.”

With President Biden remaining in a medically induced coma for the second year, the responsibility has fallen on acting-President Harris to manage the economy.

She has personally fired eight Federal Reserve branch Presidents in that time, and hand selected their replacements, leaving many critics to suggest that she is politicizing the organization and elevating appointees who would do her bidding rather than exercise independence.

This carousel at the Fed is among the multitude of reasons the US dollar has lost significant market share as the global reserve currency, and foreign purchases of treasuries have dried up dramatically.

This puts the onus of financing all new government debt— and refinancing old debt being rolled over— squarely on the shoulders of the Federal Reserve, which according to its most recent financial statements, has a negative equity position of over negative $10 trillion.

This led the Harris Administration to champion the Retirement Obligation to Buy Bonds, or ROBB Act.

The Act has now been in force for two years, requiring at least 50% of managed retirement funds to be allocated to US treasuries.

The Harris Administration, of course, is also nearing a major funding crisis, with more than $20 trillion of US government debt set to mature this year.

That’s why acting-President Harris expressed delight at the Fed’s latest move, saying, “My administration has been one of the most conservative financial stewards in American history. For example, in my first year as acting-President, we cut the deficit in half, and it now stands at just $4.5 trillion annually.”

“These negative interest rates will make it more efficient to refinance that debt and engage in the bold new spending priorities of my administration. This includes funding for critical emergency budgetary support for states like California and New York, and cities such as Chicago and San Francisco, which through no fault of their own, have fallen on tough times and are facing the prospect of bankruptcy.”

“This will also include an additional $600 billion initiative to expand gender identity education into pre-K through second grade. Experts believe this is crucial to cut the exploding youth suicide rate, which they believe is being caused by hateful right-wing extremists forcing gender assigned at birth on vulnerable children.”

“And of course, we will be able to double our investment in combating climate change, by deploying sun blocking technology and expanding use of solar panels.”

Fed Chair AOC, raising a fist in solidarity, stated that, “Interest rates are one of the last remaining vestiges of the toxic misogynistic patriarchy running the capitalistic system designed to benefit white males. What better way to dismantle their stolen power than by implementing negative interest rates, and recovering their plundered wealth for the people.”

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