In a world brimming with bewildering headlines, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads .
“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and legislation.
May 19, 2027: Pentagon Slashes Veteran Pensions for Undocumented Immigrants
Defense Secretary Ayanna Pressley announced an emergency measure this morning to protect America’s national security:
“Today, I am honored to announce that, effective immediately, the Department of Defense is contributing 25% of all Veteran pensions towards housing for undocumented immigrants. This is a matter of national defense— defending our nation’s immigrants against the cold, danger, and stigma of being unhoused on American streets.”
Under the new policy, every military retiree and combat-disabled veteran will receive 75% of their current monthly pension, while the remaining 25% will go directly to fund housing for undocumented immigrants. Veterans who identify as coming from historically oppressed backgrounds will be exempt from the policy, the Secretary explained.
“Veterans know more than anyone what it means to sacrifice for our country,” Pressley said. “Now we are asking them to fight in a different way: with their hearts. And also their wallets.”
Pressley continued that this is the least the US military could do, since it was involved in the historical destabilization of Central and South American countries, which produced the problems these migrants are fleeing in their homelands.
Asked how long she expects the temporary measure to last, Pressley responded, “As long as it takes.”
This is the federal government’s latest effort to deal compassionately with the surge of migrants across the southern US border.
Previously, the State Department attempted to raise funds for undocumented migrants by quintupling the application fees on foreigners who go through the lengthy, bureaucratic, formal process of actually applying for US visas at American consulates abroad.
But that bold effort did little to offset the costs of housing migrants who cross the borders and enter the United States through the informal, undocumented immigration system.
Some policymakers have called for Green Card holders to pay a recurring monthly fee in order to fund their less fortunate counterparts, or even be required to sponsor a migrant family in their own home.
The latest New York Times/MSNBC poll showed that 63% of Americans believe Social Security and Medicare should be extended to undocumented immigrants, regardless of age.
However, only 6% of respondents said they would be willing to contribute 25% of their own Social Security benefits to the cause of housing undocumented migrants.
May 19, 2034: 94-Year-Old Nancy Pelosi Announces One Last Term
In a surprise announcement, 94-year-old Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi once again said she will seek one last term in the 2034 elections for the House.
This came as a shock to her heir apparent, San Francisco Councilwoman Anita Chance running for Pelosi’s seat, who Pelosi endorsed last month.
However when asked, Rep. Pelosi seemed to not only forget about the endorsement, but also to have forgotten that she hasn’t been Speaker of the House for the past decade.
“We need to finish the job we started, and for that we need an effective, the experience… it, it, with me as Speaker, we can finally pass the bill. We can, at long last, see what’s in it. It won’t cost a thing, zero.”
The revered and celebrated leader is already out-polling all her competitors in the race. However, others have questioned Rep. Pelosi’s fitness to serve after her six-month absence from the House last year due to a bad case of eczema.
Pelosi’s absence resulted in delays to raising the debt ceiling from $60 to $66 trillion, causing the US to default on its debt for the third time in a decade.
The crisis was resolved when Rep. Pelosi was wheeled into the Capitol on her hospital gurney to cast the deciding vote.
However, the 24-term Congresswoman said that concerns over her mental capacity are rooted in “sexism, ageism, white supremacy.”
Pelosi cited her 35% annualized investment portfolio gains as evidence that she is still competent to serve.
Senator Fetterman, gearing up to run for his third six-year term in the Senate, seemed to agree:
“Look, if you have, you have, eclectic leadership. It’s going to work. She deserves as much as all the things, the things. And to hold accountable, it’s next accessory… she has it.”
