What follows below is purely satire. But just barely. We hope you have a good laugh after a long week.
Texans have long complained about the pitiful condition of many of US federal highways that pass through their state.
But eventually the state government grew tired of waiting around for the Biden administration to repair the federal highways, prompting Texas Governor Greg Abbot to take matters into his own hands.
Last week the governor ordered the Texas Highway Department to begin fixing federal roads— starting with Interstate 45, which runs through both Houston and Dallas.
President Biden and his team responded with outrage and challenged the governor’s order in court, claiming that Texas has overstepped its Constitutional authority by repairing federal highways.
The Biden administration also claimed that Texas’s repairs were inhibiting the federal government from not doing its job.
“Look, we have loyal party members that we have been paying handsomely for several years to monitor the pothole situation in Texas,” said Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg, in remarks he released just before leaving for six weeks of vacation.
“Right now they are conducting an environmental impact study on the potholes, which should be complete by 2027. Then we will form a commission to determine whether repairing the potholes will contribute to global warming. That decision should be reached by 2029, and, if they give the green light, road crews could start repairs as early as 2031. That’s totally reasonable.”
“And by the way,” Buttigieg added, “The people we have hired are majority two-spirit genderless pansexual undocumented migrant Muslims of color. So for Texas to be repairing the roads is, frankly, racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, Islamophobic, anti-LGBTQ+, and anti-science.”
The United States Supreme Court apparently agreed and ordered the State of Texas to cease its repair efforts.
But the Lone Star State has thus far refused to comply. And governors of dozens of other states have now expressed solidarity with Texas in what is now being dubbed the Pothole Rebellion.
In response, this morning President Biden sent a brigade of bulldozers and other heavy machinery from the US Army Corps of Engineers to re-introduce potholes onto federal highways in Texas.
“Don’t mess with America’s roads,” the President said this morning in a speech attended by 5 bystanders. “When the Louisiana… the Louisi. You know the thing! You need F-16s. Louisiana Purchase! Fair and square. You need F-16s. Or was it F-17? My dad always said, ‘Joey, it’s F-17.’ Or maybe he said B-fiffy-toos, they’re going to leave even bigger potholes.”
He then bent down and appeared to be playing with an imaginary dog before the press was ushered away.
For her part, Vice President Kamala Harris— who has been appointed the administration’s “Pothole Czar”— explained her view in a recent interview, saying:
“We’ve been to the potholes. We’ve been to the potholes. And you go in thinking about a decision, that you’re thinking, in this decision, about the potholes that you’re thinking about. And really, you know, it’s all about justice. We’re thinking about justice.”
Despite such perfectly cogent remarks, however, the Biden administration seems to be having a difficult time articulating its position.
And the public is left wondering— why is it so bad for Texas to repair federal highways within in its own state, especially if the federal government refuses to do so?
Anxious to turn the tide of public opinion, however, prominent media personalities on CNN and MSNBC have weighed in on the matter to steer Americans back towards the Biden camp.
“Texas repairing its own potholes is a threat to democracy!” railed MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow last night, before demanding that the Texas governor be brought up on criminal charges for endangering the environment.
Jen Psaki, former White House Press Secretary turned MSNBC starlet, went even further, saying, “Texas— and any states that support Texas— are engaging in insurrection. And these rebel states should therefore have their electoral college votes suspended in the 2024 general election. You know, to protect democracy.”