Future Headline Friday

In a world brimming with bewildering headlines, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… thinking about where this trajectory leads.

So, here is our latest edition of “Future Headline Friday”. This is our satirical take of where this world is going if we stay on this current path. While it may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that it is rooted in actual events, news stories, and legislation.

May 5, 2027: New York Bans Traditional Cooking in All New Construction

New York has made history by becoming the first state to ban most traditional cooking methods in new construction.

Electric ovens will no longer be permitted in new buildings, and their sale within the state is now illegal. Homeowners caught importing electric ovens or stoves will face hefty fines and criminal penalties, equivalent to the felony charges that local prosecutors bring for the illegal trafficking of gas and propane stoves.

Following the signing of the new law, all appliances sold or installed in the state must be solar-based. Despite initial discussions, the law does not make exceptions for electric ovens powered entirely by solar energy. Instead, all new solar ovens must utilize energy directly collected from the sun for cooking purposes.

This groundbreaking legislation is the latest in New York’s pioneering efforts to reduce the impact of cooking on climate change. In 2023, the state banned gas stoves and fossil-fuel heating in all new residential construction. A year later, the sale of new gas stoves and heating systems was completely outlawed.

The state subsequently banned cooking with gas and charcoal grills, as well as gas-powered fire pits, even refusing to grandfather in existing equipment. To enforce this ban, New York spent billions on grill buyback programs.

The New York legislature is also considering a bill that would criminalize repairing old gas and electric stoves, in an effort to accelerate the transition to cleaner cooking methods.

As New York embraces a future of eco-friendly culinary practices, the nation will be watching closely to see if other states follow suit in the fight against climate change.

May 5, 2029: First Dual-Spirit, Non-binary, Undocumented Latinx Lesbians Sworn into Cabinet Position

Today marks a landmark day in American history. Cris Santos, who uses ze/zir pronouns, was sworn in this morning as the new US Transportation Secretary by Chief Justice Lina Khan.

Santos is the first dual-spirit, non-binary, undocumented Latinx lesbians to ever hold a cabinet post. Ze first came to the US across the southern border back in 2023 after the Title 42 provisions expired, and ze rose to prominence after Netflix released a docu-series of zer journey.

Although Santos has no formal experience in transportation, government regulation, managing large budgets, leading complex organizations, nor even speaks the English language, President AOC has been a staunch advocate of zer appointment.

“Zer lived experience makes zem more than qualified to oversee our transportation systems. Any statement to the contrary is violent hate speech,” the President wrote last week.

Today’s ceremony had to be rescheduled multiple times as Secretary Santos has been unable to travel to Washington due to the months-long FAA system failure, interstate highway closures, and the collapse of multiple rail bridges.

Santos did not address these transportation challenges in zer remarks today. However, after completing the land acknowledgment ceremony, Santos did tell the nation through an AI voice translator, “My top priority as Transportation Secretary will be to ensure our highways, airways, and railways are as diverse and inclusive as possible.”

Secretary Santos will have a staggering $8 trillion to spend under the newly passed infrastructure bill; Santos stated that ze is “dedicated to spending the money wisely enough so that taxpayers see at least $2 trillion of benefit.”

When asked about the remaining $6 trillion, ze explained that the concept of receiving a return on investment is “rooted in economic injustice” and would have no place in zer department.

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