Relax, it’s satire… Although it is getting harder to tell.
Pentagon Informs White House it Nuked Russia Three Weeks Ago
In a casually delivered press release, the Pentagon confirmed today that it had, in fact, launched a nuclear strike against Russia three weeks ago, but had simply forgotten to loop in the White House on this minor development.
“It’s been a busy month,” shrugged Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, as he sipped his morning coffee, surrounded by a room of shell-shocked reporters. “You know how it is. Emails pile up, nuclear codes get entered, and before you know it, you’ve initiated World War III without telling the boss.”
The revelation came to light only after an aide to President Biden, while browsing Twitter, stumbled upon a meme about the nuclear apocalypse and questioned its accuracy.
The White House says they are “reviewing the situation” and has added a new rule to their daily briefings: “Check if we’ve nuked anyone.”
But when asked by reporters, President Biden seemed to downplay the seriousness of the situation.
“I’ve nuked countries before. This isn’t America’s first nuclear war, after all. In fact my son, Beau, died in a nuclear strike after he founded the Space Force,” the President said, before wandering aimlessly off stage.
Pentagon officials are not being forthcoming with details on whether the strike was intentional or not.
But we do know that the Defense Department’s highly-trained nuclear launch team— which is responsible for securing the nuclear codes and executing launch instructions— was suddenly replaced last month after right-wing extremists were discovered in their ranks.
One long-time member of the nuclear launch team, for example, was found to have shared a social media post last Independence Day saying, “Happy Birthday, America.”
And another veteran member of the launch team was caught displaying an American flag on his front porch.
These are both “well-known extremist dog whistles” according to White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, which resulted in the President suspending the entire nuclear launch team roughly one month ago.
He ordered that the old team be replaced by a new team comprised entirely of pansexual persons who identify as Muslim women of Palestinian descent.
It turns out that the military ranks were very thin on pansexual persons who identify as Muslim women of Palestinian descent. So the Pentagon had to hastily recruit and train a new, completely inexperienced team in order to comply with the President’s demand.
The nuclear strike on Russia took place roughly a week after the new launch team was in place. However the White House insists that the team’s inexperience has nothing to do with the strike.
“It’s racist, homophobic, and misogynistic to suggest diversity in our ranks had anything to do with a nuclear strike which may or may not have been an accident,” Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said.
When pressed for more details on if it was intentional, Defense Secretary Austin commented, “Never let the enemy know your next move. Let our enemies unequivocally understand that the same thing, or something different, may or may not happen to you, either intentionally, or unintentionally. That is how to project strength.”
New York City Hires Illegal Immigrants to Teach: “Already in the Schools Anyway”
An ingenious solution to kill two birds with one stone, or a recipe for disaster?
New York City has decided to bring on hundreds of illegal immigrants to fill vacant teaching positions.
As Chancellor David C. Banks explained, “These undocumented migrants are already in the schools anyway, being housed in the gymnasiums and cafeterias due to lack of space elsewhere. We figured, hey we have a teacher shortage right now. So we’ve hired 230 immigrants across the city.”
These immigrant teachers will also be allowed to sleep in their classrooms.
“The benefit there,” Banks said, “is unprecedented access to teachers. Parents can simply knock on the door at any time, which especially helps the disadvantaged who may not be able to afford Internet and email.”
We asked one of these new teachers how he felt about the program, to which he replied, “Que? No hablo ingles.”
But Chancellor Banks was ready for any skepticism on language barriers.
“It will be the duty of students to understand the native language of their teachers. Anything else would just be extremely xenophobic.”
In addition, the city plans to replace school bells with live Mariachi bands, in order to employ even more disadvantaged migrants. They too will be allowed to live in the schools.
In fact, plans include an entire school/ migrant camp hybrid moving forward.
“These migrants, they have so much to teach our kids,” Banks said. “I can’t think of a much more culturally enriching experience than to walk through and experience a migrant camp on the way to school, while practicing sports, and on the playgrounds. We couldn’t design that kind of immersive curriculum if we tried.”
Indeed, several unregistered taco and empanada food stands have sprung up in the school parking lot over the past week. But teachers and students don’t mind.
“The quality of the food is way better than what they serve in the cafeteria,” one teacher told us. “And it’s a fraction of the price.”
Meanwhile the girls’ volleyball team finds the crowds at their practices quite encouraging.
“I’m actually putting in extra effort, because I know the migrants in the stands are ready to whistle and cheer with each play. They’re super sweet, one even said, ‘¡Mamacita, estás que ardes!’ which I think means, ‘your mother would be proud.’”