In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.
“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.
July 28, 2025: Fed Says New Pandemic is the Only Way to Bring Down Inflation
With inflation remaining stubbornly high at 5%, well above the Federal Reserve’s 2% target, for the fourth year in a row, the Fed seems ready to throw in the towel with its current set of policy tools.
“We’ve exhausted all of our normal tactics,” Fed Chairman Jerome Powell said at today’s press conference following the Fed’s normal July meeting. “At first, back in 2022, we denied that inflation existed. But very few people believed us; it turns out too many Americans were visiting grocery stores and filling up their cars with gasoline.”
“Next we figured if we said enough times that it was transitory, we could manifest it with the Law of Attraction. But that didn’t work either.”
“Then we thought, ‘hey why not pass a law to bring inflation down’ and we were hoping Congress would just enact new legislation banning inflation outright. Unfortunately they didn’t do the trick, but we got the next best thing with the Inflation Reduction Act.”
“You know the deal with legislation, it’s all about the name— and believe me, I was more surprised than anyone that inflation didn’t respect the Inflation Reduction Act.”
Inflation did fall to 3% in 2023. However, inflation quickly rose back to a range of 5-8% after energy prices soared in late 2023. Many economists blame the Biden Administration’s anti-fossil fuel energy policies, and the passage of the Green New Deal in 2024, which triggered enormous increases in food and fuel prices.
Powell addressed stubbornly high inflation in his remarks, when he said, “We tried raising interest rates for four years now, but it hasn’t gotten the job done, and in many respects, things are much worse now since so many banks have failed due to higher interest rates, and now even the Treasury is nearing default, so we really have to try something new.”
“So today, I am introducing a new tool— the only proven way that inflation was eradicated for a short time during my tenure— a new pandemic.”
Powell explained that the Federal Reserve is in talks with the Chinese government to go through the catalog of indexed viruses, to see if any might be just what the economy needs.
The Fed calls the new tool COVID, which stands for Currency Optimization Via Infectious Disease.
The plan is to release a new virus into the population, and let public health officials do their work.
“If you think back to how great the economy was during the last pandemic, it’s pretty obvious we need to create those conditions again. So let’s bring out another virus, slash interest rates to zero, and print tons of money again. What could possibly go wrong?”
One disruptive reporter asked whether the Fed’s new COVID policy would create new supply chain dysfunction and future economic havoc.
“We don’t anticipate that printing trillions more dollars will have any negative impact on the economy. The important thing is just making sure people cower in fear inside their homes.”
