In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.
“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.
November 17, 2024: Harvard launches “Jihad Immersion” study abroad program
Harvard University, long known for its progressive academic offerings, has stirred controversy with its latest array of courses. In response to growing student interest in Palestinian causes, the university has introduced a series of provocative new classes.
One of the most contentious courses, “Intro to Explosive Expression: Bomb Making 101,” purports to explore the “art and science” behind explosive devices, framed as a study in “political and revolutionary engineering.”
Critics have lambasted the course as being in poor taste and potentially dangerous, while supporters argue it provides critical insight into the struggles faced by oppressed groups.
In a similar vein, a course titled “Decapitation as Discourse,” examines the history and technique of beheading as a form of political statement.
Special guest lecturer Mohammed Deif, the Supreme Military Commander of Hamas, will guide students through the study and practice of the most effective means of separating a head from a body— using cadavers, of course.
Students in this course will also learn how to use proper lighting and filming techniques to livestream a beheading on YouTube. However Harvard administrators were quick to point out that they do not condone violence, and the course is merely about political and emotional expression.
There’s also a new course entitled “A Survey of Jewish Anatomy”, which resurrects the old pseudo-science of phrenology. Students will study updated methods of taking cranial measurements to determine skull size, forehead slope, and distance between eye sockets, so that they can correctly determine whether they are in the presence of Jews.
A number of Palestine-focused study abroad programs have also been added, including the “Jihad Immersion” option; according to university officials, this program was so popular with Harvard students that it filled up within 3 minutes of being released.
Intifada Immersion also satisfies multiple physical education credits, as students will spend a semester at a Hamas training camp. According to the program’s brochure, they will learn vital skills, such as how to swing across monkey bars wearing a balaclava with an AK-47 slung across their backs.
University officials state the purpose of the program is to encourage physical activity while enhancing empathy and understanding of guerrilla movements.
In addition, Harvard will also fund the “Pride March in Gaza” field trip for the Queers for Palestine student organization. The group aims to highlight the intersectionality of LGBTQ+ rights and the Palestinian cause.
All trip participants, however, are required to sign a waiver that holds the university harmless in the event of a brutal lynching.
Another controversial addition is Harvard Law School’s new concentration on Sharia Law. This course includes a unique project where students compete to shout down visiting conservative legal scholars by screaming “Allahu Akbar” the loudest and most times in a row.
Harvard also hired a new professor, former Rep. Rashida Tlaib, to teach a capstone course entitled “Women’s Rights in Palestine.”
Palestine currently requires women to seek court approved permission from a husband or other male head of household in order to go about in public without a male chaperone.
The course— which will now be a graduation requirement for all students— seeks to frame what may appear to be oppression of women as a liberating force which actually promotes feminist power.
For example, the course asserts that full body and face coverings in the Islamic world actually help free women from toxic masculinity and patriarchal standards of beauty.
Despite the backlash, Harvard maintains that these courses are meant to push the boundaries of traditional academia and encourage critical thinking on complex global issues.
Harvard officials have also stated that these offerings reflect the university’s commitment to academic freedom and the exploration of diverse perspectives.
That said, Pro-Israel students who protested the new courses have been expelled.
