In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.
“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.
June 13, 2025: Third grade boy suspended for not wearing a dress
As part of this month’s compulsory pride training at Barack Obama Elementary in Burlington, Massachusetts, teachers spent the past week instructing and testing students in the 107 different gender identities currently recognized by the organization SexualDiversity.org.
The culmination of the intensive week-long training was a mandatory “Gender Fluid Day”, in which all students were required to choose one of the 107 gender identities, dress accordingly, and give a presentation in front of the class.
“Instead of holding a typical science fair, which is rooted in toxic masculinity, we decided to replace it with our Gender Fluid Day,” explained school principal Karen Cockburn. “It makes sense when you think about it. After all, gender fluidity is science. And it’s way more important than playing with magnets or baking soda volcanos.”
School officials invited guest judges from the local 2SLGBTQQIPAA+ community to grade the children on both their understanding of the gender identity, as well as the flare of their presentation.
“We were really excited about the event,” said Principal Cockburn. “We set it up as a sort of pageant, so it was a lot of fun for everyone. But because everyone is a winner here at Barack Obama Elementary, all the students received participation trophies.”
Except for one. The lone dissenter was a third grade boy who showed up to school wearing shorts and a T-shirt. When asked if he was neutrois, demi-boy, or xenogender, the boy simply shrugged his shoulders and told horrified teachers that he didn’t want to wear a dress.
The boy was immediately given an F, sent home, and suspended for the remainder of the school year, while district officials have referred the case to Burlington PD and Child Protective Services.
“It was an unruly disruption,” declared Principal Cockburn, “This sort of violence starts in the home, and I won’t rest until his parents are held accountable.”
June 16, 2032: Fed Raises Interest Rates to Ensure US Hits Target CO2 Levels
The Federal Reserve announced today after its two-day policy meeting that it will raise interest rates again in order to ensure that the US economy hits its target CO2 emissions this year.
According to remarks made by Federal Reserve Chairperson Ilhan Omar, “We’re very close to reaching our target CO2 levels. This shows that our new monetary policy, which prioritizes the fight against climate change over everything else, is clearly working. ”
Several reporters in the room burst into applause at the announcement. However one journalist asked Chairperson Omar what the Fed planned on doing about the recession, 11% unemployment rate, and 8% rate of inflation.
“You shouldn’t be spreading this kind of misinformation,” Omar warned the reporter. “Whether or not our economy is in recession is up to a panel of experts to decide— not you.”
The Chairperson continued to explain how economic experts consider environmental data before making any declaration of recession. “We have deliberately slowed the economy in order to benefit the environment… so it wouldn’t make sense to call this a recession. It would only be a recession if we didn’t know what we were doing.”
Omar further cited the Fed’s progressive interest rate policies as a sign that the US is not in recession.
“By slashing interest rates for members of historically oppressed groups to negative 2%, we’ve created a historic level of equity in this country.”
When the same reporter asked whether the Fed planned on reducing the 21% mortgage rates that everyone else had to pay, he was escorted out of the room by security.
Chairperson Omar apologized and suggested that a “Russian-puppet must have slipped through our press screening process.”
“Every patriotic American is happy to pay a 21% mortgage rate,” she said. “They know that living in tiny homes without air conditioning and not having children is a key aspect of improving the climate-economy.”
“And, together,” she added, “we’re succeeding.”
