I guess Nancy Pelosi shorted Apple stock…

Rejoice, America, the federal government is FINALLY going to step in and fix the biggest problem of our time.

Naturally I’m not talking about the border. Or inflation. Or the national debt. Or America’s waning geopolitical power. Or the looming insolvency of Social Security. Or rising crime. Or the broken education system. Or the country’s vast social divisions.

No, those problems are nothing compared to the horrendous crisis that has swept the nation.

But fortunately, our saviors in government are going to do something about it.

I’m talking, of course, about the iPhone crisis. Yes, I’m sure it was on the tip of your tongue.

Last week the Justice Department announced the decision to charge Apple with antitrust violations, saying it has illegally monopolized the smartphone market.

Now, all kidding aside, there are so many things that are utterly stupid about this case, it’s hard to even know where to begin.

First, should this really be the priority for the Justice Department right now? There is so much brazen lawlessness in the country being committed by, you know, actual criminals.

But apparently the Justice Department thinks that Apple’s success is the biggest problem of all.

I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised given that this is the same Department that started investigating angry parents at school board meetings.

Naturally if Americans don’t like Apple products, people could simply stop using them. But the government thinks everyone is just a stupid peasant incapable of making such decisions. So, the Justice Department will decide for us. Hallelujah.

This leads me to the second point– how is it that Apple has a monopoly? Have these people never heard of a little company called GOOGLE and its Android mobile operating system?

Of course, people have a choice.

It’s really, really hard to not laugh out loud when you read the Justice Department’s legal complaint against Apple. They start by dredging up the ghost of Steve Jobs– a guy who’s been dead for more than 12 years– and accusing him of trying to “force” developers and users to use their products.

(Apparently Steve Jobs was holding a gun to your head while he was dying of cancer…)

They go on to claim that Apple unfairly created a proverbial ‘walled garden’, i.e. a closed-off iOS ecosystem where they famously control the end-to-end experience for its users.

Apple’s approach is not unique. Plenty of companies create proprietary systems that lock their users in.

Nvidia has a software system called CUDA which similarly chains users and developers. Video game consoles (Xbox, PlayStation, Nintendo) all have different standards, so the same game cannot be played on multiple systems. And each aggressively recruits game studios to develop content exclusively for their consoles.

Streaming services like Netflix and Amazon Prime develop content that can only be accessed exclusively through their platform.

Printer manufacturers have developed proprietary technology to prevent their customers from using third-party ink cartridges.

The list goes on and on and on. Companies routinely create incentives to keep customers using their products… and disincentives to prevent customers from going over to the competition.

But apparently the most senior officials at the Justice Department don’t realize that this is a completely normal business practice– one that Apple happens to have mastered.

Another hilarious point is how the Justice Department aims to prove its case:

Apple’s iMessage platform isn’t designed to communicate with Android devices. And Justice cites a 2022 exchange between Apple CEO Tim Cook and a reporter, in which the reporter said,

“It’s tough. Not to make it personal, but I can’t send my mom certain videos” because of the lack of iMessage and Android integration.

Tim Cook quipped back, “Buy your mom an iPhone.”

This is seriously considered ‘evidence’ in the Justice Department’s case against Apple. Their logic is so flimsy that it literally hinges on a joke made by the CEO two years ago. Cook said, “Buy your mom an iPhone”, therefore Apple has an illegal monopoly. Totally bizarre.

Another absurd point is that these Inspired Idiots cannot even apply their own logic evenly.

I wrote recently about how the Biden Administration is currently intervening in the steel industry in a way that will actually create a monopoly.

The President personally intervened to stop Japan-based Nippon Steel from buying the company US Steel.

On top of its acquisition bid (which would have rewarded shareholders handsomely), Nippon Steel promised to invest $1.4 billion into American factories.

But the US government rejected the deal (as if it were their business to begin with), and instead insisted that US Steel should be sold off for parts to competitor Cleveland Cliffs.

It’s obviously pathetic that the government is forcing US Steel shareholders to take an inferior bid. But even more, by forcing the sale to Cleveland Cliffs, the government is essentially creating a monopoly for that company, which will produce up to 90% of American steel used in vehicles.

But according to the government, Cleveland Cliffs’ new monopoly will be good because the union bosses are in favor of it.

Yet two weeks earlier, the government opposed a merger between grocery store chains Kroger and Albertsons, because they said it would create an unfair monopoly that the unions opposed.

The lesson here is pretty obvious: if the union bosses like your deal, then it’s not an unfair monopoly. If the union bosses oppose you, then the government will sue the crap out of you.

Apparently, Apple’s biggest mistake was not groveling to union bosses.

The irony is that even if Apple does have a monopoly, it only got that way by attracting customers.

I’m personally not an Apple guy. I use Linux on my computer and a unique mobile operating system called GrapheneOS.

But Apple’s share of smartphone sales in the US is 60%. The market has spoken. It approves of the company and its products.

What’s the government’s approval rating?

Congress is at 12%. Not a single federal political leader has higher than a 48% approval rating in a recent Gallup poll.

The government sucks so much at just about everything that it does, that it often seems they are actively trying to destroy America.

There are so many things wrong in this country that need fixing, and what does the government decide is the biggest evil we face as a nation?

Not the national debt. Not the potential for World War III. Not Social Security going bankrupt, inflation, the border crisis, or soaring crime rates.

They’re going to waste taxpayer resources to save people from iPhones.

They’ve already spent years building their case… which all hinges on a joke that CEO Tim Cook made about buying your mom an iPhone.

The real joke is that these Inspired Idiots are running the show. And it’s a joke on taxpayers and voters everywhere.

Now, who wants to bet that Nancy Pelosi’s husband shorted Apple stock a day before the case was announced?

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