Future Headline: “Fauci Face Condom” Sales Flop in First Week

In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.

“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.

September 8, 2024: Fauci Face Condom Sales Fall Flat in First Week

In early 2023, a leading British medical research non-profit called the Cochrane Collaboration published a comprehensive analysis of 78 different studies which looked at whether or not face masks were effective in controlling the spread of COVID-19.

Cochrane is a non-partisan organization which focuses purely on data, and they’re funded by national governments, including Britain’s National Institute for Health and Care Research, Germany’s Ministry of Health, and the US National Institutes of Health.

The results of the Cochrane study were clear; the Oxford epidemiologist who led the analysis stated unequivocally, “There is just no evidence that [masks] make any difference. Full stop.

Yet as COVID-19 cases started to rise in September of 2023, Dr. Anthony Fauci— who was no longer part of the federal government— still appeared on national television to recommend that Americans mask up… despite the total lack of evidence that masks worked.

Then the so-called “election strain” of COVID-19 continued to spread across the world throughout late 2023 and into 2024, leading many to fear new government mandates for public masking.

President Biden is still reportedly masked up and camped out in the White House basement, more than 12 months after his wife Jill came down with the election strain in September of 2023.

The CDC, however, has been surprisingly candid in admitting that a new approach to masking is needed.

CDC Director Mandy Cohen said this morning that “The Cochrane study may show that masking doesn’t provide any benefit. But it doesn’t prove that masking hurts. So still we think people should do it.”

“The one risk we have to balance, of course,” the director continued, “is the learning development of small children. Masking prevents them from seeing faces of their peers and adult caregivers.”

“So today I am excited to announce a new partnership with our old friend Dr. Anthony Fauci. The CDC will be recommending his new product called Fauci’s Face Condoms!”

According to product details, Fauci Face Condoms provide a clear latex barrier which fits snugly over the head and neck so that facial features and lips can still be seen clearly, while the air reservoir tip above the head contains a filtration system.

And while the CDC says it hasn’t yet had any time to study the effectiveness of the new Face Condoms, they point to the company’s slogan: Hey, it couldn’t hurt!

Fauci’s Face Condoms are available at Target, CVS, and Walmart and come in a variety of activism branding, including Pride, Support Ukraine, and Black Lives Matter.

But just one week after launch, stores report underwhelming sales of the Face Condoms. Target has even moved the product to its Halloween costume section after some customer backlash.

Dr. Fauci commented, “Obviously some right-wing extremists and anti-science cave-men will be adamantly against anything that might help put this pandemic behind us. After all, an attack on my face condoms is an attack on science itself.”

Fauci continued, “But I’m sure the majority of Americans will be happy to follow the science once they are educated on the benefits of my Face Condoms.”

When questioned on the lack of scientific proof that the Face Condoms work, Fauci responded with the company slogan, “Hey, it couldn’t hurt,” and winked.

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