In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.
“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.
August 18, 2028: AOC Wins Epic Presidential Primary Cage Match
Last night’s battle royale cage match among the Presidential primary candidates from the Democratic party was real bruiser.
But celebrity guest judge Tony Fauci officially declared Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez the winner at the end of the match.
While President Biden remains comatose after falling up the steps of Air Force One back in January, his AI virtual presence was in attendance at the match, and he appeared to look on with approval as AOC conquered the field to clinch the Democrat nomination for President.
It’s hard to imagine it’s already been five years since Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg entered the ring for an epic cage match, thus setting a new standard for resolving disputes.
Silicon Valley, of course, tends to be a major trend setter. After the Musk-Zuckerberg spectacle, business titans across multiple industries soon began settling everything from legal disputes to hostile takeovers through the mechanism of charity cage matches.
Who can forget the December 2023 cage match between Disney CEO Bob Iger and SAG-AFTRA Boss Fran Drescher, which finally settled the Hollywood strike after Drescher used the ‘camel clutch’ to force Iger to tap out.
Then there was February 2024’s rumble between Volodymyr Zhelensky and Vladimir Putin which finally ended the war in Ukraine, and turned Crimea and the Donbass into international free zones administered by China.
By 2026, the cage match movement started gaining traction in politics, with younger voters in particular enthusiastic about politicians trading blows. Cage matches also served as a natural deterrent for octogenarian politicians to continue seeking office, resulting in a wave of resignations among the Senate’s most senior members.
And earlier this year, both the Republican and Democrat National Committees opted to allow battle royale cage matches as an official alternative to primary voting. And in order to qualify to fight, a candidate must be polling with at least 5%, and must have received donations from at least 40,000 individuals across the country.
Last night’s cage match primary for the Democrats in Madison Square Garden was definitely one for the record books.
Stacy Abrams finally had a real shot at winning an election. Disgraced former Governor of New York Andrew Cuomo eyed a big comeback. Even Transportation Secretary, Pete Buttigieg entered the ring.
But the two favorites, of course, were former California Governor Gavin Newsom, and New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
Newsom previously seemed to be a critic of the Battle Royale format when he was caught in a “hot mic” moment several months ago describing a cage match as “stupid”. But when pressed by reporters if he meant that men have a biological advantage over women, he replied:
“No, no, absolutely not, there is no physical advantage whatsoever. I just think it’s unfair that as a cis-male of privilege that I have had the opportunity to achieve peak physical performance, while more oppressed groups do not always have that opportunity.”
Yet AOC, who has been training with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, entered the ring looking pretty buff.
And as the bell rang, while many candidates seemed ill-prepared, AOC lunged straight for Newsom.
“She fights dirty,” said Newsom in a post fight conference, still nursing his swollen left eye from what might have been an illegal eye gouge during the first minute of the fight.
However celebrity referee Tony Fauci weighed in, saying, “The science is clear that an oppressed group is not capable of ‘illegal’ moves when fighting someone from an oppressor class. And for anyone to suggest otherwise is, frankly, spreading disinformation.”
AOC then turned her sights on Pete Buttigieg, who was shriveled in the corner as Cuomo and Abrams traded blows in the center of the ring.
AOC landed a devastating spinning back kick to Buttigieg’s face, knocking him out cold. The crowd roared with delight as his face slammed into cage.
Meanwhile, Stacy Abrams landed a vicious blow to Cuomo’s right knee, dropping the former governor to the canvas. But when Abrams went in to finish him off, Cuomo countered with a rear naked choke hold, rendering her unconscious in seconds.
Cuomo managed to get back up to face AOC— his only remaining opponent— but he seemed barely able to stand with his shattered knee. The crowd, meanwhile, chanted for AOC to “sweep the leg! Sweep the leg!”
Instead, AOC climbed up the cage, screamed “There can be only one!” and dropped the Rock’s signature ‘People’s Elbow’ onto former governor Cuomo. It was at that point that Dr. Fauci stopped the fight and declared AOC the winner.
The people have their champion, and the Democrat nominee for President.
After the match, AOC told the camera, “I’m just glad all the little girls across America can look up and see a woman literally fighting the oppressors in our society, and finally winning.”
The GOP primary cage fight will take place at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas, Nevada next week.
It will be quite the fight between former Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, former Virginia Governor Glen Youngkin, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Green, former Vice President Mike Pence, and failed Senate candidate Herschel Walker.
With sports betting now legal, the odds are split in favor of Youngkin, who has massive reach with his six-foot-six-inch stature, and ‘bulldog fighter’ Marjorie Taylor Green.
